Thursday, Feb 4 will be the fourth anniversary of Carter’s birthday. We’re planning a little celebration in his honor. As is our custom, we will drop some flower blooms in a stream and have a meal with our daughter’s family (the nearby daughter). I’ve spent some time the last few days reading some of this blog’s early posts and relived some of the trauma during the week of Carter’s death. That wound is still very much present in our lives but reading it again really drove in how deeply we still hurt.
The only way I know to describe it is to compare it to a deep cut on our body. The cut will eventually form a scab to stop the bleeding but it is still sore and if you pick at the scab, it will start bleeding again which starts the healing process over again. After enough time has passed the cut heals and leaves a scar and sometimes the scar even hurts; especially when you look at it and the memories of how it got there rise to the surface again.
I’ve had a fresh look at this scar and felt the pain again. I’ve been in the hospital room again both the NICU and the PICU; I’ve been in the meeting room again with the hospital staff and I’ve been in the room again when the ventilator was removed from Carter. I’ve been to Clam Bayou when his ashes were scattered and I’ve seen the anguish on my daughter’s face again.
But we will celebrate his birth Thursday, and we will give thanks for his short life and the time we had to spend with him. He was truly a gift from God.