THOUGHTS ABOUT MAMA

“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal.  Love leaves a memory no one can steal.”  I heard this quote on a Hallmark Channel movie some time ago and it has never been more real to me than right now.  The first few days after Mama died were whirlwinds of getting stuff done; I didn’t have time to think about her and grieve her loss.  That has hit this week; Tuesday, Wednesday and today have been difficult both mentally and physically.  Mentally, today has been a bit better I think; but I’m still tired. 

The first part of the quote I’ve experienced off and on the past few days.  And absolutely, Mama’s absence just leaves a deep gash in my heart.  I thought about the last time I was over at their house with my guitar and we played some old hymns together; she on the piano.  I’ve heard Mama play the piano all my life, but I never enjoyed it as much as the day we played together and I have looked forward to going back and playing with her again.  And to know I won’t be able to do that hurts so much.  When she wasn’t puttering around the house preparing food or cleaning up after eating she would sit in her chair and we’d talk (at least until I nodded off for a little nap).  She always wanted to know about the kids, grandkids, and great-grandkids.  Those conversations were just normal catching up, but now they have a new meaning.  We won’t have those discussions any more.

And I can’t imagine the agony my dad is going through.  His companion for seventy+ years is not with him.  I hurt for Daddy too and I know his emptiness is far greater than mine. 

But the memories; sweet sweet memories.  No one can take them from us.  The memory of playing and singing with Mama is special; it hurts to know we won’t be able to do it again (here) but nonetheless I have that memory to hold and cherish forever.  Same with the conversations.  Because of her great love for us and ours for her, we have so many memories that “no one can steal.”

And for those memories and our love, I can still celebrate the fact that Mama was with us for a long time, she was relatively healthy, and did not have to suffer through a long and painful death. 

And Mama, I hope you, Nell and little Carter are having a wonderful time!

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